Life+Health Coach Shelby Flores, Interview (#18)
Shelby is a certified health & life coach. She helps young professionals lose weight and live anxiety-free. She's a lot like a personal trainer, but for what you eat and how you treat your body. She works to help clients achieve and maintain a healthier life through lifestyle, diet, and mindset modifications.
We cover goal setting, personality, reframing the past, and why diets are NOT a part of what she tries to teach people.
If you're looking to learn more about Shelby, want to hire a certified life coach, or just want to see more pictures of Piper, you can find Shelby on Instagram at @ShelbyFlores or reach out to her by email at ShelbyFloresHealthCoach@gmail.com.
Check back with us later for our interview jam! Andrew decided to run off to Harry Potter world after we finished this episode, so Daniel has a bit more on his plate. Sorry for the delay!
Piper + Shelby:
If this isn't the dream life, we don't know what is.
Apparently, Life Coaches are really good at living. Who'd have guessed?
The Paddle Board Setup Shelby Recommends:
Apparently, this is the greatest single investment in the world. If you're wanting to try paddleboarding, or hoping to run into Shelby on the lake, here you go!
Dr. Benjamin Hardy YouTube & Site:
This is the too-good-looking psychologist and writer we spoke of. Shallow aesthetics and jealousy aside, he's got some great info, and the "future you" course is pretty rad. I mean, just listen/watch this.....
"A goal without a plan is just a wish." - Antoine De Saint Exupery.
P.S. Holy cow, that's the author of A Little Prince, one of Andrew's favorite books to gift. This world is amazing. We had no idea it was the same person.
(unedited, forgive us for the many transcription errors, we don't edit it, and it's obviously not even close to perfect).
Shelby Flores, Certified Life and Health Coach
Andrew: [00:00:20] hey guys, welcome back to dead by tomorrow. Sorry, it's been a little bit between episodes. This episode. We have Shelby Flores with Daniel and I, and we are super excited for her to come on. Shelby is a certified health coach and life coach.
She helps young professionals lose weight and live anxiety free. And she's kind of like a personal trainer, but for what you eat and how you treat your body. She also works with clients to help maintain a healthier life through lifestyle, diet, and mindset modifications. So obviously she was perfect for our podcast and we are thrilled to have her on.
So Shelby, welcome to the podcast. How are you doing?
Shelby: [00:00:57] I'm good. I'm excited to be here. Thank you for having me.
Andrew: [00:01:00] Of course, thank you for coming on. So a little background, Daniel actually knows you from a much longer timeframe, right? Daniel, you grew up with that kind of group
Daniel: [00:01:12] much longer timeline. Yeah. no, definitely. So I'm especially excited to talk to Shelby because I feel like it's been a little while, but we were good friends throughout high school, some of my time in college and. Oddly enough now live in the same city, which it's really strange how frequently that's happening.
one of my best friends growing up now lives down the street from me. And, yeah, Dallas is too big of a place to be this small. So Shelby it's been awhile. How are you? What are you doing now? share some about yourself.
Shelby: [00:01:46] So it has been a while. I'm excited too. It's catch up. Cause we haven't talked before the podcast. so I live in East Dallas. I've been here for about three years and I work as an administrative assistant for a coaching firm by day. And I work on being a health advocate and building my own coaching business by night. So that's what I do.
Andrew: [00:02:09] how does working for a coaching place work? I guess you have a certified coach you work underneath. How does that even happen? I don't know anybody. Who's a life coach that has that kind of setup.
Shelby: [00:02:20] I think if you're someone who wants to get from a to B. But you've never done it before you find someone that's there. So when I was looking for a job, I was looking for someone that was where I wanted to be in the field that I wanted to be. And so I just did a lot of research and I found a business coach and I am his assistant and I watch him build his firm and his coaching practice.
And so I do all the backend work while he does the coaching work. And so I learned a lot from him and how he. Builds his practice, but that's something I intentionally sought out and that I knew that I wanted, so I waited until I found it.
Andrew: [00:02:59] Okay. That is some goal-driven work there that is like setting a plan and actually following through with it. I like it. I'm on the other hand where I just float around. See what happens to me? Did you go to college and focus on life coaching while you're at school? Or was this a, what was the aim to B to C to, as the, of you going from high school? When I last saw you to working for this life coach and building your own kind of practice.
Shelby: [00:03:25] So I think my twenties are probably my most. Formative years. after high school, I honestly studied photography at Amarillo college for the first year, because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I knew that I wanted to help people, but I didn't know what that looked like. And I wasn't ready to make the investment until I knew.
And. I eventually figured it out. I transferred to the university of North Texas, and that's where I studied psychology and ended up graduating with my bachelor's. I loved studying people and how they work and how I can learn them on a deeper level and help these. Traumas that maybe they didn't know were happening.
And so for a long time, I thought counseling was my path and I needed my master's and my PhD. But after graduating with my bachelor's, I wasn't ready to go back to school yet. That seems like a lot of work. I was glad to be out of the stress of school. And I was working at a functional neurology clinic where I was introduced to health coaches and I.
Loved the role that they played in a patient's healing. And I just went all in. I researched about it and was like, this is exactly what I was created to do. This is everything that I've wanted without needing more schooling just yet. So it was the path that I found was most fitting for me.
Andrew: [00:04:45] Cool. Is there, like I know you're certified. So was there a secondary, learning process you had to go through?
Shelby: [00:04:51] Oh, absolutely. So I did a lot of research because there's a lot of schools online. And so I went through health coach Institute and did a health and life coach certification program and I, which is where I was introduced to all these topics. And then I've. I pride myself in being a student. I want to be a forever student.
I always want to be learning. So I took that initial certification and then have just been reading books and expanding my knowledge base and how I'm able to coach and serve people better.
Andrew: [00:05:25] Awesome. Now I know how to become a life coach, if that ever comes up.
Okay. I'm going to throw you a softball and then I'm going to hand it off do you have any Agram or Myers Brigg, experience?
Shelby: [00:05:42] I meant to look up my Enneagram member before this. I know I'm a two, I'm a helper. Last time I took it. I forget my wings cause honestly Enneagrams they were never that interesting to me, which. Don't come at me. I just, they just weren't for me.
Andrew: [00:05:58] Oh, no, this is Daniel's thing. I'm still trying to figure out if mine was accurate or not.
Shelby: [00:06:02] and I had the book, my whole family did it and I was like, Oh, like those qualities, those aspects make sense. It's fun to hear these little snippets about you, that somebody else, some stranger comes up with. And I'm like, that is very accurate for you to describe me that way, but you don't know me.
Um, And then as far as Myers Briggs, last time I took it, I was an inf J which I forget what all
Andrew: [00:06:25] an introvert.
Shelby: [00:06:26] I don't see, I don't identify as an introvert or an extrovert. I think it depends on the situation, but apparently the questions that were asked I was more introverted.
Which does come more, which comes easier. But like I said, I don't think that I identify as either. I think they're on a spectrum.
Daniel: [00:06:43] totally. And I feel like any of those personality type things, it's. It's a tool it's really only as useful as you make it. And it's only useful in some types of situations like any tool. I think they can get over glorified and overused and they can almost turn into this sort of thing that molds you into.
Okay. I'm an extrovert. This test set. I'm an extrovert. This is what I am and who I am, or I'm an introvert. And, I can't go and talk to people and do anything like that because I'm an introvert and that would break the mold. so in my opinion, I feel like it can be a useful thing to maybe see how you tend to lean or in different situations, maybe where you're at.
if you took that test and it was after a particular experience where maybe you were feeling a little bit more introverted that could just tell you how you react in certain situations, but. Again, it may not put you as an introvert forever, an extrovert forever. So that's that's been my thing.
It's a tool, you got to use it the right way.
Andrew: [00:07:38] personalities, malleable is Shelby has shown us.
Daniel: [00:07:41] Oh, for sure. I would hope that it is.
Andrew: [00:07:45] Let's launch into that. If you don't mind. I know. So for people listening, Shelby reached out to Daniel and I unrelated to the podcast just because she saw what we were doing and sent us some information for Ben Hardy. Who's this kind of weirdly charismatic psychology guy. So
Daniel: [00:08:04] Wait, what do you mean? What do you mean by weirdly charismatic? I'm curious.
Andrew: [00:08:08] got a PA he's not allowed to look that good and speak that well. if you're as young as he is with a PhD, you're not allowed to do that kind of stuff. No, he's a good looking well-spoken guy. He's charismatic and he's too young with a PhD to have those skills
Daniel: [00:08:24] hold on. Like I wanna, I want to unpack a couple things from what you just said there, you obviously have you have some biases towards PhD holders. who do you know that has a PhD that hurt you?
Andrew: [00:08:37] everybody at Texas tech that a PhD, every single one of them.
Daniel: [00:08:42] Yeah. So wait, Shelby, do you share that feeling that then Hardy is too good looking to have a PhD? I guess that's where we're at.
Shelby: [00:08:49] I agree that he is good looking. But I think that he's earned it. So I like, I ha I've got the Ben Hardy, I've got the crush that is there. That is that's been there, but I also appreciate him for his knowledge and in the work that he's done. So I'll give him credit.
Andrew: [00:09:05] I guess that's what I'm upset about is you shouldn't be that smart and that good-looking, and that well-spoken, and successful. Like he's crushing it on his book release that he did and all of his other books and you can't have it all and he's got it all and that's unfair. I think that's where my B's coming from.
Shelby: [00:09:21] he didn't get it all overnight. I think that's where we're at.
Andrew: [00:09:24] That's fair. Sorry. we will stop dissecting his, you know, surface level stuff. So what brought you, like what is your favorite thing with Ben Hardy and that personality stuff that you sent us?
Shelby: [00:09:34] Sure. So I love the way that he's speaks about topics. A lot of it's things that I know, but the way that he talks about it is. Very easily digestible for anybody, which I think is nice. But what I like about his work the most is he pointed out that you should be thinking about yourself as three different people, your past, your present and your future.
And being able to differentiate who I was, who I am and who I'm working towards has been. Monumental and the progress that I've been able to make and let go of a few things and grasp on to more important things and just figure out what does that look like on a day-to-day basis? How do I do that? And so that's, that was my biggest takeaway from the course that I sent , the, both of you.
Andrew: [00:10:21] Very cool. I like that. On your personality were there. I'm sorry if this gets too personal, by the way, Shelby, were there personality traits that you were thinking were who you were? And you're like, Oh, this isn't who I am.
I've got to fix this. Or like, what was the big shift in your personality or help the minor shifts that all made up to a big change in your life?
Shelby: [00:10:43] That's a good question. I think it's more, the minor shifts that make up who I was becoming. And a lot of what I learned from Ben Hardy was how to reframe the past and how to, I felt a lot of shame in the person that I was and figuring out how to. Let go of that and reframe that where it doesn't stop the progress of moving forward today or in three years from now, which is what I think was my biggest, like one of my biggest takeaways.
Andrew: [00:11:13] A lot of people. seemed to take who they were in the past and that's like their anchor and they almost like they're a boat and that's their anchor. And they D they can't get far enough away from the anchor because like, Oh, well, this is who I was. So I can only shift to this kind of thing. you know, my case, I talk about being bad at math all the time.
And that's a really minor thing. It's not recovering alcoholism or something, but because of that past experience with not doing well in school with math, I make very little effort to progress in that,
Daniel: [00:11:40] I feel like being bad at math. that's one of those things though. .Andrew, do you, it's one thing to not progress or to not try, but can you also use that to maybe say you shouldn't be a mathematician? I mean, is there, room to not just completely let go of the past and if I understand Shelby, right?
I feel like that's not. Really what you're going for, but it's more so looking at the things of the past and saying, how can this work for me? How can I move forward from this and not let it hold me back? But at the same time, like you got to learn from it. You got to use it
Andrew: [00:12:13] Sure. Sure. Obviously I'm not going to be like, you know what, screw it. I'm going into mathematics. Like it's, you're going to lean hopefully on this path. Towards your strengths and weaknesses. And you're going to like, Oh, this is where my strengths lead me. I'm probably going to go this direction and you're not going to just automatically choose, this is what I'm worst at.
So I'm going to choose to spend my whole life working on this. There was a whole nother personality test that I looked at. And that was one of their arguments was like, Hey, if you shore up your weaknesses, I'll let you do. As you become an average person, if you shore up your strikes, you can become extraordinary.
Shelby: [00:12:45] Yeah. I think that a lot of times your past people. Restrict themselves from it. I was like this that's who I have to be. Whereas I made all this decisions that I've made, I own my past, but I can reframe it to where it will benefit me versus hold me back or harm me. So I learn how to shift those interactions and those things that I maybe wasn't once proud of to shifting it to here's what I learned from this.
And here's how I can move forward and be better. Because the past did happen. Like we all have things that have happened that we're not proud of, but I think being able to reframe and change that for moving forward is important and it's acknowledging the past. It did happen. I never want to erase the past.
I, but I don't want to sit there and soak in it either. Does that make sense?
Daniel: [00:13:32] Yeah, totally. And I feel like it's one of those things where you can hear that said you can even read that, but actually doing it is probably a lot harder. And so Shelby, do you feel like there were things you did that sort of allowed you to synthesize that information and actually put it into practice?
Was it like a light bulb moment where it was really easy or was it pretty hard to actually do that?
Shelby: [00:13:57] I say it like, it was like an overview. Right process. When I say I'm, I reframe the past, it is a continual thing. I will still find things where I'm like, Ooh, I'm not proud that I did that. I forgot about that. Let me, so it was it's a lot of now is learning how to reframe situations that come up that were from the past.
It's one of those things where I uncover one thing and work through it and realize there are 15 more things to uncover. It just gets deeper and deeper in a good way where it's okay. I've learned this about myself. I can shift and move forward.
And so it's been a process. I'm on almost three years of this healing process and reframing what I've been through and who I want to be.
And the more things come up and the more I'm triggered, it's learning how to work through those triggers and figuring out how I can use this to benefit me. So I think more of it is learning how to shift your mindset and learning how to shift it faster and faster. So for example, It used to maybe take me a week to work through an instance.
Whereas now I'm like, okay, I can sit down and I can work through it faster and figure out how to reframe it, how to come at peace with it. And then how to move forward from it.
Daniel: [00:15:08] it makes me think of a podcast that I listened to recently, which talked about how, a frame of somebody that's like in a. I don't think stable is the right word, but somebody who's really, emotionally adjusted, like really well emotionally adjusted is they can bounce back from a, like a tough situation or something that's frustrating in 90 seconds.
How close do you feel like you're at to 90 seconds? As far as looking at something and reframing it and getting past it?
Shelby: [00:15:36] That almost makes me excited because I'm definitely not at 90 seconds. Right now. I'm to the point where if I have a bad morning, it's not a bad day. I can still, I can shift around in the morning. If I wake up on the wrong foot, I can shift it around by 10 o'clock or 12 o'clock noon. so definitely not 90 seconds.
Sometimes it takes a workout. I need to shift the chemicals in my body, get some movement, get some good food and do some like breathwork and then I can get there. I haven't figured out the 90 seconds, but that just gives me like something to work
Daniel: [00:16:08] I haven't either.
Shelby: [00:16:09] I'm all for it.
Andrew: [00:16:10] Is there anything that isn't fixed by a nice meal and a great workout? that should be the first step of everybody. You had something bad happens. All right. Think about it, but go hit the gym and then have a nice meal afterwards
Shelby: [00:16:21] I mean that in some water, I think that is a cure-all.
Andrew: [00:16:25] Yeah.
So I see you posting. About is it paddleboarding pedalboard is the word I'm looking for as he posting about paddle boarding on a pretty regular basis? Is that what you're considering your workouts or do you have something outside of that?
Shelby: [00:16:38] So paddleboarding, I do consider a workout, honestly, nothing beats sunset on the water that is the most design in happiest place. You can find me. So if I've had a bad day, that does cure it, but as far as a workout, I'm going to go run and I'm gonna come back to you in a few miles when I feel better.
That is my preferred method.
Andrew: [00:17:02] I'm just going to say it's a little rude to point out the whole water thing. When I live in Amarillo.
Shelby: [00:17:05] to be fair. I paddleboard on white rock Lake, which I have also run all the way around. It's not a big Lake. I think it's 11 miles to completely lap it. So when I say a Lake and on the water, it is literally. What I have close to me and what I make work. I have a blow up paddle board. It fits in a backpack.
And so I just put it on my back yet. I promise you, it is the best investment you'll ever make. I've convinced probably 15 people to buy one by taking them out once. But if it's in my backpack, everything you need fits in it. And I walked down to the water and you just air it up and it maybe takes 10 minutes and then you can just snap everything together and go out on the water.
And then. Sometimes I'll take my dog with me. if no person wants to come with me, I'll take Piper with me and we just go out. If I have 30 minutes, I'll enjoy 30 minutes. If I have four hours, I'll spend four hours out there. and then I come back, I deflate it, I roll it up and I go home, but the best investment I
Andrew: [00:18:01] I am blown
Shelby: [00:18:03] an inflatable paddleboard.
Andrew: [00:18:04] All right. we'll throw a link in the show notes for, Shelby's paddleboard, because I want one and I don't have water for a hundred miles around me, but whatever.
When we're talking about bringing you on, you said that you really liked to talk about goal setting and the visualization mental aspects of it.
So I'm not going to ask for like a plan on it necessarily, but I would like to know, what does yours look like? what is your goal visualization look like?
Shelby: [00:18:35] So the way that I think about my goals personally, as I've got my ten-year goals, I've got my three-year goals and I've got my one-year goals.
And then I've got my 90 days that I reevaluate everything that I'm working towards. And so the year is in four quarters. So there's four sets of 90 days and I. Set goals for every 90 days that helped me get towards where I want to be. And so I make sure that I have a clear vision of who I want, because if you don't have a goal, you're going to miss it every time.
So I focus in on exactly who I want to be, what that looks like, what that feels like, who surrounds me, what I want there. And then I reevaluate every 90 days. Did that get me closer to my goal? Am I making actions? And am I living. Day-to-day habits that are getting me closer to that. Or do I need to readjust and pivot and get closer to someone else?
Or have I learned something new and did my goal shift and change? Did they grow and expand so that's kinda how I, that's how I look at it. So every 90 days, every quarter I do a full evaluation of where I am, where I want to be. And then a plan for the next 90 days.
Andrew: [00:19:45] if you don't mind me asking, what is something on your 90 days that you've got right now?
Shelby: [00:19:49] Sure. So. An easy one to talk about. because I mean, that is a personal question of who you want to be. but an easy one to talk about is I think fitness goals. And so the next 90 days, I want to focus more on working out more consistently and making that a daily practice versus just a few times a week.
Whichever I can appreciate how the baseline has shifted from where I was, but where I want to be as these more extreme, more, rigorous workouts being able to accomplish more physically. And so that's something that I look forward to. And specifically I want to, my goal is to get into a handstand, which I know sounds like maybe silly, but there's so much strength and like work that goes into.
Getting into a handstand. And so that is what I'm working towards. I don't know if it will happen in 90 days or a couple of years, but it will happen. I've you heard it here first.
Andrew: [00:20:46] That's awesome. Handstands are hard. That's you're working with your wrist mobility. You're talking about shoulder strength, core strength, balance. there's everything in that. something I thought was cool that you said there was like a plan or a goal without planning, nothing's going to happen.
There's a quote. I love that. I throw at people every once in a while. And it's a goal without a plan is just wishing or dreaming. I can't remember which word they used, but it's not a thing. it's just, Hey, hope this thing that I want works out, like that's not a goal anymore.
Shelby: [00:21:15] Which is not how goals work just for the record. You can't just wish something and make it come true life. Isn't the lottery.
Daniel: [00:21:22] what I'm curious about is even for me who loves goals, I sometimes get exhausted with just having a lot of them and having them in front of me and making them hit burnout. So is that something you experienced and how do you work through that?
Shelby: [00:21:35] Absolutely. I think that's a really interesting question because I have I've cultivated a beautiful community that. Will it be like Shelby. It is time to slow down. You don't need to go a hundred percent of the time. And it takes very specific people to be able to tell me to slow down because I'm like, no, if I can get there sooner and faster, I want to do it.
and so I. I view that as I think the type a masculine energy is that go get our goal. Like I've got to get this, I've got to be to the top and balancing your feminine energy of slowing down and being nurturing to yourself and to other people and caring about things that are in the moment versus where they're going to get you.
I think learning how to balance those two energies, which is how I personally view them. I view masculine and feminine energy. I think we all have both. And I think learning how to balance those two, which sounds a little woo, woo to people. but I think that feminine energy is that energy of being able to seclude for a while and being able to take care of myself and not work on goals for a second, but just work on.
Relationships and things that provide my strength
Daniel: [00:22:48] I totally get what you're saying. And I feel like. It's very easy to just get in this. I'm going to check it off. I'm going to conquer it mindset, but if you never take any time to enjoy the process of getting there and also just enjoy being there and have any sort of contentment, I just feel like that's Paulo, but at the same time, it's you can't.
Become complacent where you're at. So I haven't necessarily used masculine and feminine energy and thinking about it, but I mostly just think about the balance between, satisfaction and ambition and trying to keep that from becoming complacency. And I don't know what I would use for the negative connotation on ambition.
I don't know, Andrew, your words got to help me out.
Andrew: [00:23:33] ambition is its own negative word. it's a double-edged sword by itself. So I think ambition. Yeah. It's you can contextually use it negatively. honestly, ambition can generally be more negative word than good, ambition as we know it as good, but wanting to help people and provide the world a better place is usually better.
And it gets you the same results that ambition might want. I want to have a large impact. The reasons you have it. if it's for self-centered reasons, that's usually ambition. And if it's for, helping people and doing good, it's not ambition at that point. Or it's at least a better form of ambition.
Daniel: [00:24:08] Yeah,
Andrew: [00:24:08] Ted talks with Andrew
Daniel: [00:24:10] I totally agree with you, Shelby. I feel like having that community around you can be really important. And I think, just taking a look at and knowing the friends are going to be the ones that push you and the friends that are going to help, to anchor you a little bit and you definitely need both.
I think both are super valuable because otherwise again, you get exhausted and burnt out or you stay the exact same and. I don't know, become depressed really.
Shelby: [00:24:38] Absolutely.
Andrew: [00:24:39] I've got a question for you, Shelby, but Daniel can jump into on that note with the kind of balancing things and being able to pull back and relax and all that kind of jazz, which I'm honestly terrible at myself. You have a dog that I am obsessed with Piper, and I think that's actually why I follow you on social media is for your dogs.
So sorry about that. But, uh, Does that help does having a dog help with being able to balance out your life like having that companion that is just unconditionally loving on you? Does that help or is that just it's fun?
Shelby: [00:25:11] Both. I think that she's solid. I can have a terrible day and come home and she reacts the same and I can have the best day and most productive day. And she still acts the same. So her reaction to me is me as a person, she's excited to see me and wants to love on me and we hang out. which a lot of people.
I feel like follow me for Piper, which I get it. She's way cooler than me. who doesn't love a blonde golden. I get it. but also. She's not like a huge component of that, where I was like, no matter how I feel, she's a steady, which I think is the beauty of animals is no matter what happened.
knowing that someone is gonna. Be with you at the end of the night and be with you and you get home just like hanging out with you, love on you.
Even if it's a for creature, love is love no matter where you find it in life, which is like, I think a lot of what we do is driven for it's either love for ourselves or love from like other people. I think a lot of what we do as humans is driven by this ability and this capacity to obtain.
More love. We do it out of love, or we do it to receive love. And so just having this UN like unparalleled love, no matter what happens, no matter what I do, nothing compares to that.
Andrew: [00:26:25] Okay. I like it. I really want a dog is partly why I asked. So thank you for helping justify it even further for me.
Daniel: [00:26:32] Just pull the trigger. Andrew. You've been dancing around it for too long.
Andrew: [00:26:36] we actually have a deposit.
Shelby: [00:26:37] you have a
deposit on a dog and you haven't done it yet.
Andrew: [00:26:40] we won't get into that because it's so bougie I'm embarrassed, but yes, we technically, we, as in Shalome and I have a really Shalome, let's be honest. Shalome has a deposit on a puppy and I'm counting it as also my puppy, but I don't know when it will actually happen.
Daniel: [00:26:56] Is it a French bulldog?
Andrew: [00:26:58] It's
like a Neo pet.
Uh, but you
Daniel: [00:27:00] No, no, no, no, no. Is it a French bulldog? I'm just, you said boujee. I was
Andrew: [00:27:04] Oh, I thought you said virtual dog and I was trying to, you know, riff off that. So now I just look like an idiot,
Daniel: [00:27:11] That's fine. I'm I'm editing this. So we'll, we'll
Andrew: [00:27:14] Yeah. We'll fix that. I'm
Sorry, I didn't mean to segue you guys there on my, my life with dogs.
Daniel: [00:27:27] I want to talk some on, fear, anxiety. That's the most recent episode that Andrea and I did. And so I feel like as a life coach, it's very likely that that's something that you have strong opinions on, probably talk to clients about. So as far as fear, anxiety I just want to.
Open up that can of worms
Shelby: [00:27:48] So I listened to this episode, several times. Because you have really good information and really good content in there. but I thought it was interesting. I think , something that differentiates fear and anxiety is that innately. We are born with two fears and fear is used to keep us alive.
So if you think of the human species, we are only afraid is because our brains are. Molded and wired to be like, we need to stay alive. And so innately, we're afraid of falling and we're afraid of loud noises, and that is a safety thing. I guess another thing to point out is on a physiological level, your body can't tell the difference between perceived and real stress.
So like, it doesn't know the difference between you running away from a bear or your boss just being a total a-hole and you're having a terrible day. Cause you're thinking you're going to get fired. Your body is going to react the same, which is crazy.
Daniel: [00:28:52] Well, and it's one of those things that obviously the way that you respond to that totally different. Like if you've got a bear in front of you. Physiologically, you're going to run away from the bear. But if, if your boss is being an a-hole, then your response is, if you're a healthy person, it's probably to exercise, which I imagine that works pretty well. it's kind of like running away from the bear. But a lot of us has probably watch some Netflix or grab a bottle of wine or
eat some ice
or things like that. And I
that that helps the
Shelby: [00:29:22] And I think another thing that you brought up in the episode was the fight or flight, but there's a couple more variables to that. So there's flight flight freeze or fold. And so. That adds a little more. So if you're not a fighter or a flight, or sometimes you freeze and you don't know how to react to a situation, so you is what I call procrastination or paralysis.
Like you just don't do anything. Cause you don't know where to go. You don't know what to do. It's you're overstimulated. You don't know crap, I'm frozen or you fold and you just. You kind of go back on your beliefs, whatever you think is right. And you're like, well, they said this, yes, you're right. You win the argument.
You are correct. I am wrong. You fold over, make yourself small, which is still a way of, self harm. It's the same. reaction. But I think that fight, fight, fold
or freeze are also important.
Andrew: [00:30:17] Never thought
of it like that.
Daniel: [00:30:18] I love the four distinctions. Do you feel like there's a time and a place for each of them or are those are their
reactions within kind of that grouping that you would advise, pretty much minimizing wherever
Shelby: [00:30:31] Well, I think just being aware of how you react to a situation, and so if someone is. Rude to me. And I noticed myself folding over and I'm not proud of folding over and agreeing with something that I don't ethically agree with, or I don't agree with just kind of recognizing, acknowledging that and being able to shift if that was to happen again.
So with any situation , you learn from it, you learn from your reaction and learn how to move forward. If that was to happen again,
Daniel: [00:30:58] And so is your goal and learning from it to not do that the next time around to say, you know what. I, I shouldn't fold in that situation or is it to, learn how to do it in a better way, like
folding it's useful
but only if I apply it
Shelby: [00:31:14] Well, my goal is to never react a situation, but respond. And so I feel like a lot of times, for me personally, those initial things and thoughts are reactions and not responses. And so I catch myself and slow down and think, okay, I'm emotionally reacting to this. so, so like for me, sometimes it will take me a couple hours, a couple of days to respond because I want to come back to you.
When I have a response, when I know I'm solidified, this is what I feel. This is my response. This isn't my reaction. This is I stand by this today, tomorrow. This
is my response.
Andrew: [00:31:59] I absolutely love that. That is such a great distinction to put forward. so many people react to things like, Oh, that's just, you know, that's how I deal with problems is like, whatever comes to mind, I'm just going to deal with it that way. And like making that distinction too. Acknowledge that you're having an emotional response and it's not how you as a person would necessarily want to respond to something that is golden.
Daniel: [00:32:21] that's definitely something that's been an important aspect of you know, a marriage and just making that relationship work is, Being aware of emotional responses and when a reaction is coming from an emotional place. so that's something where Hillary and I kind of had talked about in times when we're in our like stable st.
Vines of, Hey, okay. if we're in a spot where we're hungry, like we haven't had dinner yet, We can be more aware of trying to not have more tense conversations in those moments, or if one of us reacts in it, if one of us reacts in a negative way, we can quickly after the fact, after we eat, be like, you know what , I'm sorry, I was hungry and we've both kind of had that expectation ahead of time where it's easy to recognize that as a, as a cause. and another thing that we've talked about doing is. , to bring word, play into it again is , decide not slide. And so again, it's, whenever there is a discussion or these types of things , being intentional about, okay, we're deciding to move forward We're deciding to take path instead of just kind of sliding into whatever's easiest and that, and that can be a folding mechanism, right.
Of whatever. Like I'm fearful of disagreement here. I'm fearful of the outcome. So I will just slide along with whatever. Is ahead of us in the key to make some of those sorts of things work is to when you're not in an emotional
state sort of plan
for yourself then
go back and reflect. .
Shelby: [00:33:49] I think turf and tone are two key aspects when you're responding to any situation.
Andrew: [00:33:55] turf
and tone. What is turf? I tone I get, but
what is turf?
Shelby: [00:34:01] if you're angry and you're like in the restaurant, that's not the time to cause a scene. like turf, where are you? Is it, is it appropriate to be having this conversation in this situation? Or should we maybe wait till we're in a inappropriate spot?
And then of course tone matters. I'm not coming at you like angry or maybe I am coming at you angry. Pre-framing Turf and tone, I think are two key components when it comes to
things like that.
Andrew: [00:34:28] Yeah. Anybody dating or married? That is a that's, that's more golden nuggets of wisdom there. Like not starting stuff at the restaurant or on the road trip or, you know, whatever turf is great. I like
Daniel: [00:34:40] can we just create a list now of our, of our two word things we've got turf and tone. We've got, decide don't slide. We've got respond. Don't react. Like
Andrew: [00:34:49] Yeah. We can make a whole list. Maybe that'll be like book two. We can get Shelby and on this and get her to publish an idioms book for how to be a better
Shelby: [00:35:00] sign me up.
Someone grammar check for me not
, Andrew: [00:35:10] Okay, Shelby. I had a question for you, something you brought up actually, and it's something interesting to me. You talked about your stomach, body connection to your brain and vice versa. Do you want to jump into that?
Shelby: [00:35:24] Yeah, I think that's a really interesting question. So to pre-frame it you're. Body sends more signals to your brain than your brain does to your body. And an easy way to kind of look at that is so for example, Andrew, have you ever had a giant meal of say Mexican food? How do you feel after it?
Andrew: [00:35:51] Uh, usually pretty sleepy kind of
Shelby: [00:35:55] Yeah, so. you feel tired after it. food is supposed to energize you and wake you up and make you more alert it's fuel for your body. So when you're not eating the right things, it can cause things like making you tired and you want to take a nap after you've eaten.
so building a little more on top of that is your gut since. More signals to your brain. And so when you're feeling for me, it was anxiety. And I knew if I changed what I ate and how my body felt, I felt better. I wasn't, as on edge, I wasn't anxious. I wasn't honestly as angry. No, one's in a good mood when they're tired and bloated and don't feel right.
They just don't feel. Like they could go train. And so learning how to eat intuitively and feed your body to where, when you eat a meal you're energized, you're refueled. Your brain is thinking brighter. You're ready for a better workout. You're feeling yourself up. It makes all the difference in the world.
So a lot of what you eat can affect your mood.
Andrew: [00:37:09] That's cool. I know I heard something along those lines. Like you have more neurons in your stomach than you do actually in your brain. And so that's like where gut feelings come from as we do a lot of
that thinking and feeling with our gut, is
that kind of the same
Shelby: [00:37:22] Absolutely. And I think a lot of times people live in such a constant state of pain that they become numb. And so. Learning how to break it from the numbness and feel all those things, those gut reactions of this isn't right. This is right. I love this. I hate this. And listening to your body because your body stores, everything, your body stores specifically trauma. And so pain is just a way of your body communicating to you. And so being able to interpret pain. Is huge. And being able to hone in on these receptors, it's just being able to translate the pain because your body will start in a whisper and it will talk to you.
And if you don't listen, it will get louder until it forces you to listen until you're bedridden. And you're in so much pain that you have to listen. And so listening to those key factors in your body and your gut of this doesn't feel right. Because we shouldn't be in pain, you should wake up and be awake and you should be going to sleep and be tired and you should have energy throughout the day.
And those sound like very simple things, but so many people are groggy when they wake up or they're not tired when they go to bed or they don't have energy during the day. And so learning how to listen to how your body communicates and talks to you is such. A huge aspect of what I do in the coaching world of learning those signals and learning those signs.
But learning how to live your healthiest happiest life is you should feel good. You should feel happy every day. You should have happiness and feel good and know how, if you're not feeling good, what you need to do to get there, or what caused you to be in the situation that you are.
Andrew: [00:39:20] Is
factor in that?
Shelby: [00:39:22] food is a huge
factor in that.
I think that
what you eat, directly affects how you feel. which is funny. Y'all brought it up in your fear episode. I forget which one of you talked about having too much caffeine. and that's you directly feeling? I I've had too much caffeine.
I feel more jittery, more anxious, more on edge. That's my body's way of telling me I need less caffeine.
Andrew: [00:39:47] Yeah, I
Shelby: [00:39:48] another example to look at it is, have you ever been hung over.
Andrew: [00:39:56] Oh, I mean, no, I don't drink.
Shelby: [00:40:01] So, so when you're hung over, you can't meditate your way out of a hangover. You can't mentally be like, I am going to breathe. Um, when I meditate and I'm not going to be hung over, like your body needs nutrients, it needs the water. It needs time. To feel better, but that's also your body being like, Hey, we had too much alcohol.
Don't do this again. You're going to feel like this. You can't mentally meditate your way out of that. So how you treat your gut is 80% of your mood. And the other 20% is just your mind. It's mental and it's mindset, but what you eat and , who you are when you're eating Does that make sense when I say who you are when you eat? so if you eat and you're in a stressed state. So maybe you have 30 minutes for lunch, but you're thinking about all the deadlines you have to do for work. Remember physiologically your brain. Doesn't know the difference between these work deadlines and have something physically coming at you and threatening your life.
And so if you're eating in these high stress States, your body doesn't have time to digest your food. You know, if you're being attacked by a lion, your body's like, I don't have time to go to the bathroom right now. My blood is in my brain and my limbs. I'm thinking quick and I'm getting awake. Quick. Digestion is the last focus. And so you have to be relaxed when you eat. And so sometimes tricking your brain into relaxation. you can talk to your body into anything.
Andrew: [00:41:36] That's
Shelby: [00:41:37] into being. Into a relaxed state. You start breathing slower. Your brain is like, wait, I'm stressed, I'm stressed, but I'm breathing like a calm person.
So maybe I am calm. And then you digest your food better.
Andrew: [00:41:52] I love
it. That is very actionable.
Daniel: [00:41:54] Yeah, I think understanding the impacts of food and really whatever we put in our bodies, you can add coffee and alcohol to that. I think that's just like a really underrated thing. That's such a quality of life improvement. The coffee thing , is something that I've had to learn to deal with.
There are way too many times where I just felt terrible and it's because I had too much coffee and there've been a lot of times where I will find myself just feeling very frustrated about, , work or short or whatever it is. And it's just, I just need to eat. But again , like you said, my brain does not tell me you feel bad because you need to eat you are reacting shortly because you need to eat.
I have to. Remind myself of that. And I, and I forget all too often until I, I do finally take care of it and I'm like, Oh, I feel totally better. Why did I feel so
unhappy about the day before?
Andrew: [00:42:48] No, that's totally true. I do the same thing. I get so hangry
Daniel: [00:42:54] it's one of those things I I'm trying to remember the exact study, but,, they've looked at the fact that. As a parolee, the odds of you actually getting paroled, it all depends on what time of the day your judge is looking at the sentence. And if it's before lunch, you're
much less likely.
Andrew: [00:43:16] like 70% difference or something between like before lunch versus after lunch. I'm like getting part under getting convicted.
That's terrifying. And honestly, the study that existing, we should be like, Hey, we need to rework our justice system because apparently there's some big flaws going on, but we didn't do that.
Shelby: [00:43:35] We need
to rework the justice system the medical system.
Andrew: [00:43:39] Oh yeah.
Daniel: [00:43:40] so much of it. I mean, it comes down to like, you're not going to change how your body operates, but you can change the environment and the
structure you have to work with it.
Andrew: [00:43:55] I thought I would get one more question towards you on.
Your life, coach health coach side of life. is there anything that you would want to tell, like one piece of advice that you're like, this is what people need to know. This is what will singularly change their life
Shelby: [00:44:12] if you asked me this question in a week, my answer might be different. a negative information that has stuck with me is that no one is looking at you the way that you're looking at you. No one cares. If you sing along loud in the car, no one is looking at you and thinking about you, the way that you are. They're thinking about themselves. So you should focus on what makes you happy and surround yourself and do the things that make you happy. And anybody else's opinion of you is not your business. And that is a hard pill for people to swallow, because I want you to think highly of me, but you're only going to think highly of me.
If I think highly of myself, I set that tone. And I only said that to him by staying in my lane and not being in yours, because if I'm in your lane, then a, B or C is not going to think that what I want them to. So stay in your lane. No, one's looking at you. The way that you're looking at you is my best
piece of advice.
Andrew: [00:45:14] That is an awesome piece of advice. You hear that? Daniel, you stop looking at me.
You know what Andrew I I've been in your life too long. So sorry
I've earned, I've earned the right.
Andrew: [00:45:29] no, but really that is, that is some exceptional advice.
Daniel: [00:45:32] I am curious though , I love that idea. Do you feel like. As a life coach, that's difficult at all. I would imagine to some degree you kind of need people to listen to you or maybe think a little bit about, the opinion that you're giving them on ways to approach it and change their life. So I'm just curious, , do you see any, is there any challenge
Shelby: [00:45:55] I think there's definitely a challenge, but I also know there's this principle that. Everyone perceives you through their own lens. so I can spread myself so thin and have my heart in all the right places and your experiences and your lenses. Like you don't, you don't see it. And that's, that's okay.
I'm not a coach for everybody. I have a niche clientele for a reason. And so I know that anyone's reaction to me is their perception. And so that I, I connect with people on a level, but I don't connect with everyone. And that's okay.
I am a coach, but I'm not everybody's coach and I don't want to be everybody's coach because. You can't be excellent at everything, but I can recommend you to people that I know have better resources than me. And so in that instance, if you are not responsive in the way that I anticipate or that I think that would be beneficial, that's my cue as a coach to refer you somewhere else.
And I do that out of love because if I can't provide that for you, I'm going to find someone that can.
Daniel: [00:47:05] Yeah, totally. I feel like what you said there kind of wraps up what I was thinking is it is one of those double-edged swords It's so hard to be able to figure out how to pay attention to yourself, because of yourself and sometimes having the help from others and , having somebody like a life coach is such a great resource to, to help you do that.
Because again, it's one of those things kind of going back to the whole idea of , Taking past experiences and learning to turn those sorta to your benefit. It's one thing to hear it. it's a totally different thing to do it. and I think, , a life coach is somebody that can really, again, help you learn how to do some of those things and help you to really form, , healthy perspectives of yourself.
Because again, completely agree with the idea of the way that you hold yourself, the way that you view yourself is the biggest influence on how others do.
Andrew: [00:48:03] Shelby. I had, no, I said that I would leave you alone after that last question, but I am a liar and. We're talking about life coaches, and I was curious what you do on a day-to-day basis and more specifically, and importantly to me, where are donuts
on the scale? And am I allowed to have them?
Shelby: [00:48:24] This is my favorite question. So. of a health coach. I am networking and building a business and also working. I work one-on-one with clients and donuts are 100% on the scale. one of the things that I teach and I work with clients about is that I don't believe in diets. I think that they are restrictive.
I think that. I don't believe in meal plans either. I think you're given a meal plan and it has an end date. And then after the end date, you're not really taught anything. And I think those are quick fixes and I don't believe in a quick fix. I want something that you can take with you long-term and I know that donuts are part of your life.
If they make you happy and you want them, I want you to eat donuts and I want you to enjoy them. I think a lot of diet is not just what you eat, but it's who you are when you're eating. So eating that donut without shame and without guilt and just enjoying it, I think is half the battle for people is just sitting there and like chewing it and enjoying it.
And you've got a donut stock donut. And if you're making, you've got a cherry donut stop donut, which is what I get every time I visit back Amarillo, because no one else in the whole world has a cherry donut. But donuts are absolutely on the list,
Andrew: [00:49:49] Girl you, if you ever need that
hookup, let me know.
Shelby: [00:49:54] seriously, that is what I come home for.
The cherry donuts and maple crutch from donut stop. But I, I honestly like on a more serious note, I think diet is so much more than what you eat. It's what you watch. It's what you listen to. It's what you read. It's even who you're comparing yourself to your input directly affects your output. So I think that it's important to be mindful of the things that you're putting into your body emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
Andrew: [00:50:28] Okay. I like that answer because I'm allowed to have donuts. And I also think that was a very genuine and authentic response. So I'm going to take it to heart
and I will have my
Daniel: [00:50:39] I've only got one follow-up question. It's for Andrew. How would you classify donuts? Is that more, a emotional thing, a physical thing or a
Andrew: [00:50:48] So, you know, I was raised Catholic, so it's probably a
all three at once.
Daniel: [00:50:56] Wait, are you saying
that donuts are
the, is it the
Andrew: [00:50:59] You can
imply, whatever you want. That was just two separate clauses in a sentence that.
Daniel: [00:51:07] I don't even know where to go from that. That's just, no, that's good.
all right. So as we, move towards closing and I'll probably cut all of what I'm saying. I definitely want to take a little time just go through some stories with love to hear that.
There's one specific though that I would like for you to share about only because, I don't know how. How much Andrew got to play
murder in the dark growing up, but I've talked about it a lot. I've talked to him about it a lot recently because there's this game that we play, where I can , turn into a clown and scare Andrew to death.
And I'm like, yeah, it's just like murder in the dark. But Shelby, we used to play the most Epic murder in the dark games of all time. At your house. And so I would just wanted to go back and relive some of those
moments. And first of all, I'll say, do you remember
Shelby: [00:52:00] Do I remember those the hall of death, the murder and the dark was so fun.
I remember somebody passed out, we had so much fun or they ran
into a wall, one of the two.
Daniel: [00:52:10] Yeah.
maybe both at the same time. So I mean to describe it, we, we would play murder in the dark in this house. Which Andrew, do you
Andrew: [00:52:18] Oh, yeah, I know murder and dark. I don't know why I never came and played with you guys, but now I know how the game works. I think I've played it possibly in college.
Daniel: [00:52:25] All right. good, good. So, for all the listeners, we're in the dark you basically draw cards, you've got one person that's supposed to be the murder. Everybody else is just basically. Walking sheep. Like you, you don't have an objective aside from trying to not get caught with somebody that might be creepy and murder you.
And so you go through a house that's hopefully mostly dark. And if you find a dead body, you come together and you vote on who killed the person. And so we would play at Shelby's house, which had, some upstairs and downstairs had a closet that connected through other rooms.
And it was like the scariest place of all time. so that's what I was excited about.
Andrew: [00:53:02] why was it a hole of death?
Because that is where people died.
Let me tell you, this was the longest closet in. It makes no sense It was a hallway. It connected like two rooms together. So it was a length of two long rooms, but it was just like a giant
Andrew: [00:53:18] I almost bought a house with one of
Shelby: [00:53:23] It got completely like they were, you could turn the lights off, like there's no windows in there.
There's nothing. It is pitch dark. And it goes from like my, it was exactly like, it was my little sister's room. So you could go from her room to the game room, which are just like, they were both fun rooms. They were both fair game. We did play a lot of murder in the dark. Also I have this really vivid memory of we had this phase of calf slaps where y'all would go around like calf slapping. That was like
Andrew: [00:53:57] going down.
Shelby: [00:53:58] you had, you had to protect
your calves and you would like walk around being protective of your calf, which is such a weird body part to be like, I've got to protect my calf.
Don't flop it.
Daniel: [00:54:10] Yeah, but it
hurt if he got slapped.
Andrew: [00:54:13] We had so many different ways to cause people pain of like games that we played, essentially teach people to be paranoid and semi aggressive all times.
weird. How many options
Daniel: [00:54:25] just, so I kind of forgot about the Cass labs
in the best. Part
about it was,
you know, we're, we're
playing Trump traumatizing. we'll have to take a segment and just talk about how you , have owned calf slaps and have turned that into a positive for yourself. But, but the best part of the, about calf slaps, like the most Epic moment ever was.
For the most part, um, you know, Shelby and I, we went to church together when a youth group together. So the whole youth group is playing this game and it's all the kids playing. And then one day, one of the leaders, Ted, who is just this, you know, bear of a man. He got in on the game. And I, I feel like maybe Shelby, maybe your brother slapped his calf or something, but all of a sudden he's in the game not playing defense.
only playing off.
Andrew: [00:55:21] Ted's a big dude. I love that guy, I would be scared of him
touching my calves.
Daniel: [00:55:27] Oh, it was terrifying. It was one of those things where , if he got you, you're on the ground, you're like one the pain, but like you lose the support of your
legs. It doesn't stay on the ground anymore.
Andrew: [00:55:39] it's just that like sleep on people with his hand.
Daniel: [00:55:42] I've got another question. do you still
play just dance?
Shelby: [00:55:46] gosh, I forgot about how much just dance we would play.
Daniel: [00:55:51] I still have a video of some like random ski trip where Katy Perry is hot and cold. came on the little speaker and it's. Me, I guess it's like a college freshmen or something with a full beard and seven or eight girls. you're in the video dancing, the just dance, Katy
Shelby: [00:56:12] I can already see that you like wiggle it around your heads. Cause she send that to me. I want to send that we can,
Andrew: [00:56:19] Oh, no, it's gonna be
Shelby: [00:56:19] notes.
Andrew: [00:56:20] notes. It's going to be in the
Shelby: [00:56:22] don't, it's not compatible, but I, I personally want to see
Andrew: [00:56:30] Yeah, we'll shoot you a link to the show notes after we're done.
Shelby: [00:56:35] That's hilarious. I forgot about that. We play a lot of just
dance. You did miss
Andrew: [00:56:41] I don't know what I was up to.
Well guys, that's all we've got for today. Shelby, thank you so much for coming on. We really appreciate you taking all this time out to talk with us and share your professional expertise and all the stories and all the advice that you were able to help us get out to our, as we say, millions of listeners. Hi mom. Hi, Daniel's mom. so thank you again for coming on. We really appreciate it. And. To all you listening. Don't forget to share us with your friends. We are thrilled that you're still on this journey with us and we look forward to connecting with you soon.